Hello world, I’m finally doing something that I’ve always wanted to do. I’m going public with my writing. Sit back and enjoy the ride because it’s going to be bumpy and crazy. Everything I write will be my honest, raw, and uncensored words.
By now I’m sure the entire world knows about Gabriel. Everyone knows his ending. The crash that ended his life. The crash that ended mine and my sister’s. No words can really describe how I feel now. No words can describe the anger, confusion, and sadness that fills my heart. No one knows our sadness. No one knows how my brother was more than just a brother. He was a dad, a best friend and everything in-between. And I love him with every ounce of my soul. I miss him with everything that I am. I see him in my sister’s face when I look at her. I see him in my own reflection. I see him in the clouds, in the flowers, in the sunshine. He’s everywhere all at once. In split seconds of the day, I forget that he’s dead. I forget the crash. I forget his ending. Then, I’ll see the picture of him and I on my lockscreen. Then, I’ll see the link to his Go Fund Me page on my favorites. Then I’ll remember. I’m angry. I’m beyond angry at the world. I’m angry at everyone who talks about their brother. I’m angry at the four other people involved in the crash. I’m angry at God. I’m angry that God decided my brother’s time was done. I’m angry that I can’t call my brother anymore or hear his laugh. I’m angry that I can’t hear him tell me to smoke and drink more like he used to. I’m angry that I’m able to talk about him in past tense. I’m just angry. In a way, i’m angry at my brother. I’m angry that he left me here. He left me here without my big brother. I feel kinda silly being so angry at the world, but I am. I’ve never been so angry at anything before. I’m a happy person, usually. I’m the person that’s always smiling. But, the happiness and smiles feel like a foreign friend to me at this time in my life. I’m not sure how to feel about anything anymore. All I know is is that my brother is dead and I’m alive. Everyone else is alive except my brother. And honestly, that’s unfair considering the crappy life Carina, Gabriel and I lived. Gabriel was at the peak of his life. He was living life to the fullest. He was happy and loving his friends that he lived with and his coworkers that he worked with. And I’m so sorry that all his friends lost their friend. And I’m so sorry that all of you who are hurting with us lost someone that you love. Why did Gabriel, out of all the people in the world, have to die?? I don’t know. But I do know that I’m the luckiest little sister in the world. I scored the best big brother in the universe. And I can’t wait to see my Bubba again. I wish I could still live this crazy life alongside you Bubba, but I guess you can watch from wherever you are in the universe. Save a spot for me. I love you.
For my big brother. Who raised me and loved me like his child and his little sister. Until we meet again.
In Honor of Gabriel “Badfish” Carpio.
January 26, 1993- March 4, 2017